Justin Bieber’s recent docuseries, Seasons, has more to do with GOOP Lab than a music documentary. Like the (enjoyable) Gwyneth Paltrow series, it dangles the promise of enlightenment in a series of thinly veiled infomercials. Scooter Braun’s Braun Industries proudly shows off how they have optimized the Bieber Machine, questionable science and all. You only get one Justin Bieber, why not milk the shit out it?
Braun Industries’ number one wellness hack?
1) Be married to Hailey Bieber.
Beautiful cube wife. (Source: JustinBieber/Youtube)
I want to be married to Hailey Bieber! I can only dream of how orderly and photogenic life would be with Hailey by my side, never leaving my side until she zips me up into my hyperbaric chamber! Hailey comes off well. She’s orderly, bored by celebrity and patient. She loves Virgil Abloh and Jesus. When the apocalypse comes and the believers ascend to heaven above, the baggy jeans that couldn’t possibly crumple into an unflattering angle on her frame will fall to the ground to taunt the unrepentant sinners.
She also makes sure Justin takes his supplements and makes sure Justin is getting oxygen to his brain by zipping him into an at-home hyperbaric chamber. “Rich people shit,” Hailey tells the camera, charmingly.
Team Bieber, spearheaded by the notorious manager Scooter Braun, speaks about Hailey with palpable relief in their voices. (Selena Gomez does not exist in this narrative of marital bliss, though her many years with Bieber are alluded to as dark times.) I worry about anything too neatly billed as a redemption arc. To quote another child star, Jenny Lewis, “When you’re getting better, it’s a jagged line.”
Indeed, Hailey seems handpicked by Braun Industries and the greater wealthy evangelical community of America. “I met Hailey when she was probably 11 or 12 years old, her dad Stephen [Baldwin] brought her to the Today Show,” is one of the darkest possible phrases when escaping the lips of Scooter Braun. In the clip of the future husband and wife’s first meeting, she mostly seems concerned with going back to sleep. Bieber smiles recounting how jaded she was shaking his hand. God, this Hailey propaganda is working on me! Father Baldwin gets a mention on Bieber’s new album, Changes, “Shout-out to your mom and dad for makin’ you/Standin’ ovation, they did a great job raisin’ you,” I don’t know if I’m more upset if it’s a lyric about an erection or if it isn’t.
As for the album, I don’t know if fulfilled codependence makes for an engaging muse. Maybe he would would make better music if he sat a bit with the longing instead of inviting his wife to sit (immaculately!) in the studio with him. God, Hailey is so good at sitting. The emo Biebs Journals/Purpose (with a few tracks cut) are my fave, but for now, boring Bieber means living Bieber, and that’s a good thing. I prefer the Jonas Brothers’ Wife Guy Bops.
But yes, back to Bieber’s health. Nursey/wifey/mommy Hailey was born for this. “I wanted to maybe go to FIT and learn about design. In another life, I would have also loved to be a doctor,” Hailey told ELLE. “I’m interested in neuroscience; I love learning about the brain.”
But, if you can’t be married to Hailey Baldwin, or just have a lot of money…
2) Hire a grown man named Buzz with unclear qualifications on the advice of a grown man named Scooter
Here is something from Dr. Buzz’s website:
Dr. Buzz has a Ph.D. in Education and a Psy.D in Clinical Psychology. Which, cool! More than I got when I went to college and wrote essays diagnosing Wes Anderson characters in Abnormal Psych. N E WAY, it does seem like Dr. Buzz specializes in professional settings, which is not a bad thing, necessarily. I do think Justin Bieber needs help in professional settings! But I’m skeptical of the work Scooter and Buzz do together, because oh my god, their names are Scooter and Buzz and also his healthcare should not be focused on making him a viable product for the masses!!!!
To quote my favorite Justin Bieber lyric, “Been so caught up in my job, didn’t see what’s goin on…” My point being, I guess, UNIONIZE THE BIEBERS. We know that Hailey Bieber is a Hot Girl For Bernie, let’s do this. I’ve seen Bieber live a couple times where he did 2-3 songs and loved it. I think that’s a good set length for him. Put it in the contract, babes!
Bieber has already downsized his tour, allegedly over coronavirus concerns, but I can’t imagine they won’t just cancel the whole thing.
(I was voted most likely to die of coronavirus in a group chat, which is probably true, but I’ve always assumed I would go out on a terribly banal note if it’s not an old-timey disease that was not a thing anymore until Kat Von D didn’t vaccinate her goth children who I will end up in mosh pits with.)
Anyway, I don’t feel particularly comfortable commenting on strangers’ health conditions, but I will say that what we see of Bieber’s treatment here seems wacky, and not just because Lyme disease is the Real Housewives diagnosis du jour and this series is created by SCOOTER BRAUN FILMS and BIEBER TIME productions aka I believe basically nothing except that Hailey Bieber looks incredible in a cropped cardigan! But I do know that when I had some debilitating health issues and none of the doctors I saw could give me answers, any diagnosis (even if it was clearly bullshit) would have done wonders for me, just to have that peace of mind for a second.
Idk, his treatment seems to be a lot of IVs to “flush out toxins” and stuff of that ilk. I was happy to learn that Biebs is taking antidepressants. When he talks about not wanting to get out of bed (relatable!), it feels like the realest part of the series by far. Prozac’s got that yummy yummy yummy for me :)
3) Profit
Since there is no way in hell the Bieber Machine is going to stop using him as a checkbook, so it only makes sense to have a business model beyond convincing the boy wonder to perform lying prostrate on the floor of a stadium. Gwyneth is not about acting anymore!
He has Drew, a clothing line, in collaboration with Bieber’s longtime Swag Coach.
But I would like to discuss his partnership with Schmidt’s Naturals on Justin Bieber Deodorant. I have been using the Justin Bieber deodorant for three months. I am wearing deodorant sold to me be my a man who sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber; a man I should definitely not be anywhere near.
I strongly encourage you to watch the following video on Instagram:
“Self care can be simple,” declares the voiceover of unusually perky Biebs. “It’s being kind, starting with yourself!” In the accompany video, he sits still and never opens his mouth while people’s armpits turn yellow in footage, giving the whole thing an eerie dystopian effect.
Here is my review of the Justin Bieber Deodorant: Idk…it’s basically crunchy granola Old Spice, which is good I guess? I’m heartbroken that the packaging does not have any Bieber branding on it, although I suppose that might be wise for marketing to non-Beliebers. I don’t think anyone would assume that Bieber smells good, and there are certainly no consequences if he doesn’t.
I have previously declared Kendall Jenner the perfect celebrity to have her own deodorant, but this move seems in line with everything about Bieber’s era. Changes is a palate cleanser album, and like a deodorant, it’s meant to neutralize his baggage.
If you can’t have Hailey, why not have a deodorant as your valentine?
I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Justin Bieber Deodorant, unlike the other Schmidt’s deodorant I have tried, does not give me a rash. At least I think it doesn’t. It could be because this is a “sensitive” formula, much like Bieber, so it glides on a bit more smoothly. It’s also possible that I am having a reaction, but can’t tell because the charcoal in the formula gives me gray corpse armpits and has no actual benefits that I believe in. Either way, it’s pretty goth. Would be good to wear with my Justin Bieber/Marilyn Manson tank top this summer if it lasts that long. I’m hoping Dua Lipa releases a deodorant before I need to restock. Let’s get physical!
Sponsor me, Schmidt’s xoxo Trieber
P.S. read this piece I wrote for VICE on Mandy Moore’s pantry and the end of days!