The Jonas Brothers are Wife Guys now. It’s…great?
The eldest and most forgotten JoBro Kevin started it. You may remember the E! television series Married to Jonas. It’s a show about Kevin Jonas not having a place to pee in his mansion. Kevin could not wait!!!!!
More accurately, it was a series about suburban newlywed life for Kevin and his wife, Danielle Deleasa, a normie. They temporarily move in with her large Italian family for the requisite sitcom hijinks. Her dad is named Bucky.
It ran for two seasons between 2012-13. Apparently, it caused a lot of tension between brothers, as I learned from the documentary Chasing Happiness which ABSOLUTELY made me cry and feel ok about being in a very transitional and unpredictable phase in my life because there are valleys and peaks y’all and sometimes you spend years of your life abusing hair straighteners for the world to see but it’s gonna be fine and the real ones never leave.
What they didn’t realize yet is Kevin knew what was up and that marrying a human woman you can’t believe would deign to marry you and fully making that the most public-facing element of your brand would work for all of them in a way it almost never does for anybody! (“Cross Me” by Ed Sheeran ft. Chance the Rapper is bad Wife Guy pop…I could go on.)
Here’s a pic I took of Nick that is one of the first results if you Google “Nick Jonas diaper” idk if you’ve ever done that
Nick was next, marrying Priyanka Chopra. He slid into her DMs and she responded with her number, writing, “My team can read this. Why don’t you just text me.” I will be using this line in the future when I receive my first direct message on social media.
Nick followed up by displaying his true Wife Guy potential at a Vanity Fair Oscar party.
“And I put my drink down,” Jonas tells me, “get on one knee—this is in front of a bunch of people—and I say, ‘You’re real. Where have you been all my life?’ Like, loud.”
She had, at this point, been one of the most famous actresses in the world for about a decade. Anyway, after a few false starts, the couple went into high-gear and were married in several stunning ceremonies.
By that point, the J Sisters were a thing of their own. And no, I’m not talking about the pube-waxers to the stars! I’m not really sure if they knew about the fallen Brazilian wax empire that plucked Goop herself before she reversed her stance on the bush when they chose that group name, but regardless, it’s what Danielle, Priyanka, and Sophie Turner refer to themselves as the J Sisters. Or sometimes just Priyanka and Sophie.
Yes! Sophie Turner, formerly Sansa from that boring show, is set to marry the Hot Jonas Brother, Joe this weekend. We know the timing because of…Dr. Phil???t
So he’s going to the wedding and seems to have some kind of connection to the couple. Recently, Sophie sat down for an interview with the bad doctor and spoke openly and admirably about her own struggles with depression. Unlike a lot of Dr. Phil’s work, it didn’t strike me as particularly exploitative (although I’ve had to lower my bar for how the media deals with mental illness quite a bit!!!) Maybe Sophie opened up because she genuinely felt comfortable around him. She said she watches his TV show every day while she’s getting ready, and turned to her fiance to confirm. Oh yeah, that what was so weird about this interview! Joe was just kinda there hovering (mostly) off camera. Some real Wife Guy shit!
The Jonas Brothers also talked to Dr. Phil a couple weeks ago to coincide with the release of their first new album in a decade, Happiness Begins, which exceeded expectations. The album went to #1 and even scored the bros their first #1 single ever. Part of it was lucky timing. The song debuted juuuuust before the “Old Town Road” remix obliterated anyone else’s chance at a #1. But it’s also pretty fun! And wow, look at those wives!
My favorite thing about the song is this lyric from the chorus that makes no sense: “I’m a sucker for all the subliminal things no one knows about you.” I mean, I get what it means, but also I don’t. “Cool” is similarly breezy and happy to take social capital from chosen life partners with very real lyrics like, “Sittin' there, winnin' like it's Game of Thrones.” Again, that show is no Camp Rock, but it’s endearing how Joe has zero chill about it. Mostly, it’s about how falling in love with someone very hot fixes literally everything in your life. It’s not a groundbreaking album, but it’s pretty satisfying for Jonas Brothers fans who have been waiting for the second best band of brothers from New Jersey to reunite. (Gerard…what’s up?)
Back 2 Dr. Phil for a sec! I’m assuming he’s involved in this whole thing bc of his son, Jordan, who is the worst combination of things you can be: an aspiring musician with disposable income. Predictably, he lives in a garish Tim Burton themed mansion.
Ugh also did you know Tim Burton is dating Eva Green now? Too much sexual tension on the live-action Dumbo set? EVA GET AWAY. Helena Bonham Carter is dating a younger professor, so that’s cool.
But yeah, Jordan McGraw, Dr. Phil’s son. His music career isn’t particularly noteworthy, but he was mentored by David Foster and worked with Playmate Crystal Harris on music that never materialized before she married Hugh Hefner, which is the Dr. Phil’s son shit ever. Most recently, Joe directed the video for an upsetting song called “Flexible.” It goes a little something like this:
You say you feeling sexual
For you I could be clearing out my schedule
So tell me baby, baby are you flexible?
Tell me baby, baby are you flexible?t
Flexible
OwYoga, pilates, keep it flexible?
Monday to Friday are you flexible?
Yoga, pilates, keep it flexible
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
Are you flexible?
I hope he’s not performing at the wedding. Or anywhere. I’m not flexible on this stance.
ok byeee
-Trash