Your Balm Dotcom, his collar. Don't bother angel, I know exactly what goes on.

It's been a strange month of death and life and death, but it feels good to sob into your inboxes yet again. Let's descend into the darkness together. 

Gonna start you out with a Trissues scoop!

According to my sources, Emily Weiss, founder of Glossier, dated Sam Hyde, an alt-right comedian, in high school. She also, apparently, thought, "don't do crack!" was a cute thing to write in yearbooks. So you know, just goes to show that, in the words of Natasha Bedingfield's theme song for The Hills, you go to high school and THE REST IS STILL UNWRITTEN. 

Here is a very triggering paragraph from his Wikipedia page:

But, shockingly, it only gets worse from there!

His "comedy" includes spreading misinformation in the direct aftermath of mass shootings so people circulate a photo of him instead of the actual suspect. He thinks his Adult Swim show was unfairly canceled because he supports Trump and has been known to don a KKK robe for performances.

So, suffice to say that his entire existence is completely incongruous with with the empire Weiss has built. Hell, on the The Hills she was known as the Super Intern, a foil to Lauren's gross incompetence, which probably has something to do with landing the Teen Vogue internship without any help from MTV. Her ultra involved (and expensive) wedding prep further solidifies her status as a Type A patron saint. It's interesting to uncover a blemish in all that. 

I, like any city-dwelling 28-year-old hoping to soothe my existential dread with serums, read Into the Gloss religiously and think to myself at least four times a week, "I should buy Cloud Paint. I can totally pull off blush." before chickening out. But I don't trust Emily Weiss because Balm Dotcom is well known for being expensive Vaseline and the one time I talked to her IRL she said she didn't think Carly Rae Jepsen writes her own songs. I will say that she was very polite to me while slandering the only deity I recognize, though. Still, I fucking hope that our high school boyfriends don't speak to who we are now, so I don't mean to imply that the bigotry he proudly puts on display now is any reflection on who she was then or who she is now. Plus, the enemy of my enemy (Lauren Conrad) is my friend, right?

HERE IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A SCOOP!

I saw Mitski and Lorde last night, which was beyond perfect. Mitski's serenity between wildfires. Lorde's flapping limbs sucking yers of lilac chiffon into a tornado.  Run the Jewels was there, too, and so was my nemesis Jack Antonoff who zipped over from a gig opening for P!nk at Madison Square Garden to make a different basketball arena full of people uncomfortable. 

I've participated in dumb heteronormative gossip on this newsletter a couple times before, but as someone who has now seen those two perform together three times IRL, I KNOW WHAT I SAW. After a couple painful minutes of flirting and reminiscing on the time they spent in NYC making the album, they performed a cover of St. Vincent's New York, a song about loving someone you spent a lot of time in New York with. Jack produced the song around the time they made Melodrama, give or take a few months. The closest feeling I can imagine is being in the "I'll have what she's having" diner, but not wanting to have what she's having. 

As I was performing the entire choreography of NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye," the girls behind us were speaking my language and commenting on how Jack Antonoff gets tooooo much damn credit. The song is good because St. Vincent's good. Melodrama is good because Lorde is good. For a moment, the four of us were the Sex and the City gang, just some New York gals talking shit about a grown man that dresses like a kindergartener. 

(Side note, I need to brag for a second and tell you that I met Justin Timberlake a couple weeks ago and he was the exact opposite of what I expected him to be like. He was pretty soft spoken and actually listening to people when they talked instead of hamming it up. We had a quick chat about drunk driving (??????) which, incidentally, neither of us are in favor of. Can't wait to catch up to my new best friend sometime and tell him to publicly apologize to Janet and Britney and Dylan. Bojack Horseman's Jessica Biel was very pretty IRL and their son has the most beautiful long blonde curls. His hair didn't look anything like packaged ramen! Definitely restaurant-quality ramen.) 

ANYWAY they covered the song practically sitting on top of each other, Lorde announced she was going to do a song that doesn't involve him, but invited him to just sit on the stage anyway. That would have been bad enough, but instead he decided he wanted to play "Liability" so he fuckin walked over to the band and made the keyboard player stand up so he could take his place. To quote Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor, "I'm better on my own."

My favorite theory of the crime comes from this conversation between Mariah Smith and Lindsey Weber on The Cut: Lorde, a true Scorpio, is just fucking with us. When Lamby's parents first broke up and rumors of a Lorde romance were swirling around, there were a lot of people being all, "omg! Lorde would never get involved with someone else's boyfriend! She is a pure New Zealand cloud!" Y'all, she named her album Melodrama!!!!!

That still leaves the question of CARLOTTA, Jack's rumored girlfriend. Her job is apparently model/artist/photographer/St. Vincent's assistant. Who can say. Does Jack even know? I was very suspicious when, after only being spotted together once, they sat front row at a Knicks game and he wore those stupid Balenciaga Bernie Sanders socks. Not trying to disrespect basketball fans and Air Bud here, but sitting courtside means you want to be photographed. Like when Taylor really wanted to show off Karlie in their coordinated turtlenecks but also her bottle of Diet Coke so she could get paid, but Ben Stiller kept bothering her.

But did they want their public date photographed photographed to shut down rumors of a Lorde romance so A) Jack and Ella could be "secretly" in love in peace or B) Jack and Carlotta could have their heterosexual relationship without heteronormative gossip about 

Apparently, Carlotta suffered through it just like the rest of us in the trenches. Carlotta, I don't know your deal, but whatever's going on, I hope you find peace. 

Anyway, here's Carlotta and Ella wearing the same Adam Selman suit. It's very good! They both look extremely hot. 

Whatever the case, Carlotta is dealing with a lot of drama these days because apparently her friends Petra Collins and Selena Gomez aren't friends and it might have to do with Petra allegedly hooking up with Justin Theroux, who she knows through Adam Selman! So. 

Before I leave you, I wanted to express my condolences to Jennifer Garner following the loss of her chicken, Regina George, who she liked to read to. The last time that a celebrity chicken death affected me this much was when Bette Midler's chicken, Kim Kardashian, died of a yeast infection. May they cluck forever in the big blue sky.

Love,
Tricia