Welcome to a special, crossover edition of West Ends & Trissues, featuring myself and Angella D’Avignon discussing a very crucial topic: Vanderpump Rules and the recent Scandoval. If you have no idea what these words mean, feel free to look away. If you’d like to catch up, click here. For deep dives into the mysteries of California, I highly recommend you subscribe to West Ends here! Now!
⚡Scandoval easter eggs
Angella d’Avignon: Tricia, what would your fake name be if you infiltrated a group of pseudo-famous reality stars? I think I'd go with "Andreá" and make people pronounce it "properly".
Tricia Gilbride: Intentionally mispronouncing the name of someone you don’t like is one of my fave reality tropes! I would be Trishelle G., paying tribute to the star of Real World Las Vegas. I also think when you tack on your last initial on reality TV, it comforts people. They have a sense of familiarity.
Where would you go to hide an affair? There are so many places to hide in LA, it’s just so obvious they both subconsciously wanted to get caught! Going to the Valley isn't enough!
To me, the only appeal of infidelity is sneaking off to hotels. I love hotels. I would go to any hotel in LA that isn’t Hotel Ziggy. Where would you go?
100% a hotel and a different one each time. And somewhere further east where less people would know them/me if I were on a hit reality tv show. Or someplace really wacky to create a better storyline. These two are boring. Musso and Frank's? :(
BUB-BUB love/bub-bub happiness/hello loneliness/I think I’m gonna cry.
DIVORCE DINNER
"This doesn't happen with any other couple." Yes it does, bitch.
Señorita Bubba is not a title I would wish on anyone. The divorce/anniversary party for Bubba party of two devolves quickly.
“Katie don’t be sad,” says Señor Bubba, annoyed that she kills the vibe by reacting to his criticism of her and repeating the behavior that prompted the divorce.
He is literally gaslighting her about gaslighting. Tom has classic distress intolerance!
Señorita Bubba is out, but Señor Bubba remains at the table in denial, telling Vladimir (the waiter) that she just went to the bathroom and she’d be back even though she clearly left the restaurant. The most patient man in the world plays along, waiting to clear the space of the woman who (temporarily) was able to demonstrate self-respect. Tom eating the rest of her dinner is a perfect metaphor for their relationship, just sucking all the life out of her.
Oh poor Vladimir. Schwartz's montage of romantic gestures: a ring on a string, a sensual bedroom scene that looks like he literally threw 3 dozen rose petals and a Costco palette of Frito-Lay products ("It's romance!"), and now, a divorce dinner in an unintentionally romantic restaurant in a resort for someone else's wedding, lol! I also noticed he loves a cheesy mylar balloon? He shows up with them a lot lol.
Tom doesn't know where his dick is. He looks like he's been black out drunk for 15 years, I know that look because I used to have it lol.
Schwartz cannot blame ADHD for this sociopathic revisionist relationship timeline. Great fuckin' husband? Where?? On WWHL he mentions that Bubbita "demanded total loyalty early on"-- I can see maybe feeling steamrolled when you were first dating but she became your wife? Loyalty is kind of the whole point of marriage?
Sadly, being in a fight at a restaurant is never not funny. You know Schwartz will tip a lot because he'll fEeL bAd. Never trust anyone who categorizes feelings as negative and positive with nothing in between.
CATAMORONS
James, of course, managed to get into a fight immediately and DJ JAMES KENNEDY says there’s a word for those people. They are not being Australian at you, they’re just being Australian. I was recently at a destination wedding (with lots of Australians) and it was delightful. Take them as they are. People are not across the board excited to see British people. They’re kinda the wet blankets of Europe. However, James screaming: "Eat your honey! Viagara!" and my favorite of all time: “We need more cosmopolitans! PUMPTINI!”
There are already too many wedding events, I'm exhausted and triggered by this destination wedding. Her second! So many Shein dresses! Scheana and I would get along but I'd compromise the friendship by showing up to 2/10 of her events; her expectations are astronomical.
If you’re asking everyone on the guest list to travel, it’s good to set up events as an option. People will participate and at the very least appreciate the effort you made to enhance their trip, but the ceremony and reception should be the only mandatory events. Respect the seating chart and then you can dip out after dinner.
I have a hard time differentiating between VPR cast members as people and as television characters—I guess that's the point of reality TV? I don't watch much reality TV. Like, I know Lala is maybe a bad person but I really like her? Meanwhile, Scheana is mostly a good person (who loves negative attention and immediate enmeshment), but I cannot stand her! She's a perfect foil character though, from a literary perspective lol.
Scheana sleeping with Brandi Glanville’s husband was how Bravo seamlessly introduced VPR to RHOBH viewers as a backdoor pilot. Of all the people on the show, she is the one that thinks like a producer; she can create drama out of thin air. She’s brilliant, but sometimes she envisions conflict and then works backward to find motivation for actions she knows will be good TV and it’s not convincing enough.
⚡ First sighting of Tom's lightning bolt necklace in the wild and it's while he's leaning over saying, "There's this place called 'Desires'," it dangles from his vein-thick neck, the silver-plated pendant gleaming in the light of the desperate energy this man emanates.
Schena says she was joking when she asked Raquel to inform Katie that (per Schena’s rules related as if they are resort rules) that Katie is not allowed in the “preferred area.” When Katie says she’ll drink at the swim up bar as much as she damn pleases, Robochel says, “so you’ll just do it anyway,” copying and pasting what Katie said when Raquel informed her nothing would stop her from kissing the wet noodle Katie was married to.
Rachel Raquel and her outfit is giving me Ingrid Goes West. The irony of her delivering this preferred pool banishment is, as Katie put it, RICH.
Oh Schwartz is that Peanut Butter dog from Bojack Horseman at this pool party. He needs an IV infusion.
“I consider myself a man of the world. I’ve lived in London, I’ve lived in Ibiza,” - DJ JAMES KENNEDY
James needs to embrace his sexuality. We all know Logan was sucking his dick on the low in season 6! And he liked it!!! I ship James and Lala? Who else could take him? Besides Lisa? Lisa loves Lala! Ally doesn't deserve this. The best response to a man saying he's never loved anyone more than you after dating for three weeks is "yeah."
Sandoval, a “cyst” male and confirmed ass man, is an enlightened boyfriend, because Ariana likes looking at girls too. Which Tom just compared that woman to Raquel?! Excuse me! I personally love dating divorced men. But like, 1-2 years after the divorce… ahem RAQUEL.
I want to drink alcohol-removed rosé with Lisa, aka Mother, so badly. It's now a life goal. I want an older woman to softly bully me with a posh English accent and a fresh manicure. She’s evil but as a horse girl ally…
“I have the best energy. People love me.” - Katie
I’ve always loved Katie, what does that say about me? And Kristina Kelly is gorgeous? What a face! She looks so healthy. Also, it's so obvious that Katie DOESN'T CARE but she loves lurking haha. I have been the Tequila Katie. I wasn’t in a good place and it wasn’t anyone’s responsibility to fix that, but maybe take a second to think about whether or not you listen to them when they’re sober before you dismiss what they’re saying entirely. Yeah that's hard to catch back up to. I watched this show backwards, so I'm essentially watching them all devolve.
The ice skating costume was a weird vibe for this, as a person generally in favor of ice skating costumes. It makes total sense to me, especially with the bloomer shorts. She's giving Victorian-era nymphette, like a giant baby at her Catholic dedication. Madonna's Like a Virgin outfit or any hair metal rock music video girl…unfortunately. All she needs is lacy white gloves.
Is Raquel’s Statler and Waldorf impression while dressed like a Muppet camp? It made me picture Tom and Tom as old men, didn't they do that once? Absolutely. I do kinda think they’ll end up with just each other, still talking shit about their exes.
James screaming, "OUR SPINNY THING" is the new "It's not about the pasta!" Leave Ally alone!! Shut up Scheana! Let Lala live!!! I'm with her, it's too many events!!!
I’m glad Schwartz got called out for having no issues making out with random girls when he was married. Did you see Raquel's face when she said, "Maybe that's it," looking at Ariana with this ominous expression. Dark! She’s a beauty queen always trying to win a contest, and that’s how she treats dating. Sad! Remember when she used to wear colored contacts?
Schwartz is sick of being controlled. Oh Bubs, people tell everyone how to think and feel, and most people are able to filter it out enough to make their own choices, but you simply cannot manage to. That’s a you problem.
Stop calling her Bubba!!! Sandoval yelling he doesn't want to be around Tom's ex-wife (Ariana's business partner!), then says "It's distracting, dude!" Sandy prefers his makeouts on the low, clearly!!! Distraction free! It’s bad for business apparently!
"Pest Mode" lol
Schwartz creeps behind a tree to watch Katie eat dinner like Kim K/Homer Simpson.
Okay the palm tree peek! hey schwartz, lol.
“I’m insecure about the length of my armpit hair. Katie used to trim them for me,” he says, looking like a corpse that washed up on the beach.
Armpit trims are off the table. Have one of the Australians do it, hello!!! They'll wax your ass too!
Katie's request [that Schwartz not date within the friend group] is so reasonable. Watching your friends date your ex is excruciating. Schwartz without Katie's manicuring makes him even more helpless.
And finally, Rachel Raquel offers a koan, like an emotional mad lib: "My attraction to [Schwartz] outweighs my desire to be friends with [Katie]." Swap that out with “Tom” and “Ariana” and well?
Rach really is oversimplifying it by acting like her actions exist in a vacuum. You’re all Lisa Vanderpump’s playthings. You’re in this cesspool for life. It’s all toxic, but there are levels of toxicity.
It's like a turmeric, Thai tea, chocolate bitters rum infusion with aged mediocre men barrel aged by bullshit. Tom and Tom are all the same man who cannot handle vulnerability and therefore, wreak destruction on their community.
Tom and Raquel kiss. Zzz. Brock is the most excited for some reason?
⚡Through my forensic viewings of VPR, Sandoval has this very specific microexpression he does when he feels threatened or is lying. His eyes widen, eyebrows go up, followed by a quick wince that he almost always buries into a drink or a sip of whatever he's on. It happened when Ariana cried after getting the sandwich shop at Raquel's engagement party, and he did it again when he saw Tom and RR kiss!