Tryst-an Thompson

The earth is cold and unforgiving, but rest assured you will never have to endure a basketball player cheating on Khloe Kardashian without my feelings on the matter. I can't really compete with Bossip's summary of the events, but I can try. 

Khloe and Tristan Thompson, who cheated on her when she was waiting to give birth to his spawn in Cleveland, are finally over. Finally, of course, because Khloe did not break up with him when Kris Jenner allowed TMZ to expose his infidelity. I respect this commitment to suffering.  Pretending to be happy in Ohio when you're a Karadashian is a refreshing twist on the lies we've come to expect from this family, although plastic surgery denials will always be my comfort food. 

So what was different about this affair? The third party was none other than Jordyn Woods, Kylie's BFF. Apparently, cheating within the inner circle will get you kicked to the curb. 

Someone leaked the news to TMZ and then some rando gossip blog called Hollywood Unlocked had a report from their writers who claimed to be at a party where Jordyn and Tristan hooked up. Khloe and some of her friends commented on an Instagram post and seemingly confirmed the news. 

BUT IS THAT SIMPLE???????????????????????????????????

I, of course, am drawn to the konspiracies. What if Jordyn is actually some sort of Kardashian kamikaze???

Anyone who follows celeb gossip knows that Khloe and Tristan were most likely over before Sunday, when Jordyn allegedly hooked up with him. They hadn't been spotted together in about a month and haven't even made the sort of performative displays of affection troubled couples often do to convince people that everything is fine. (Hi, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively!)

Ok, cool, they tried to make it work but it didn't. They could post some long Instagram captions about co-parenting and always having love for each other, but that's fucking boring!!!! Kris Jenner wouldn't let that happen. Like, it's fine for Kourtney, because being boring is her THING, and she's great at it. She doesn't read the news and remains unaffected by the world around her. Gluten does not come in, and emotions do not come out. Remember on an early ep of KUWTK when Kim was crying because Kourtney's ex was threatening to release nudes of her from when she was underage and Kourtney just laughed? When we are all dead, only the cockroaches and Kourtney Kardashian will have survived the apocalypse!!! 

Ok, I'll stop posting gifs from Ex Machina now. 

Yeah, Kris' launch of Kendall's Proactiv Campaign had more intrigue than Boehemian Rhapsody, so why not orchestrate a dramatic breakup for Khloe? Enter professional best friend Jordyn. She kept Kylie's entire pregnancy secret and I'm pretty sure lives in Kylie's house and has spent more time parenting baby Stormi than Travis Scott? It just seems fishy to me that her loyalty would go out the window for such a trash dude and she would be dumb enough to cheat at a party with at least one gossip writer on the guest list. Why was a writer from Hollywood Unlocked even invited to Tristan Thompson's house? What is Hollywood Unlocked? I think Kris set the whole thing up and, in time, Jordyn will be rewarded for her sacrifice. 

Love you like Kendall hates acne,
Tricia