Kendall Jenner, please make deodorant

Her Sell

I have, on several occasions, tried and failed to smell Kendall Jenner. I blamed my deviated septum and Hailey Baldwin’s topknot for coming between us.

It was only in November of last year that I found out my quest was in vain when Kim Kardashian West, who I believe has been in Kendall’s close proximity without huge crowds wielding iPhones and burly security guards coming between them, revealed something that instantly sat in my bones as the truth in a way that is so rare with this family. What Kim said is the precise antonym of Tristan Thompson. In an interview promoting her new fragrance, she was tasked with describing each of her sisters’ scents.

Kendall has no scent — which is a good thing. She’s just always smells fresh and clean, and smells like a supermodel; exactly what you think she would smell like. Kylie always smells like one of my original fragrances that have gardenias and jasmine. Kourtney smells like all-natural products. Khloé smells like rich oils; very fruity, but rich in scent. She also likes very white florals.

Kendall has no scent. Kendall has no scent! KENDALL HAS NO SCENT! Of course she doesn’t.

They say scent is the sense with the strongest tie to memory, so maybe that’s why Kris Jenner forgot to include Kendall in her recent Mother’s Day post.

Source: @KrisJenner/Instagram

Now, perhaps she didn’t forget Kendall per se. Rob is also not included. I have always said that Keeping Up With the Kardashians has more to say about breeding than The Handmaid’s Tale Presented by Yankee Candle. So Kris will include Kendall when and if she provides a spawn to participate in spon. Fair!

Source: Hulu

But either way, Kendall should monetize her blah.

The Kardashians have been on a bit of a licensing frenzy even for them. Kylie introduced Kylie Skin, which seems like bad products designed to make you buy even more Kylie Cosmetics to cover up your Kylie Skin. She also recently filed a trademark for Kylie Hair, which is unhinged because her hair is not even real!!!!

Kendall is a model, not an entrepreneur. So far, she’s had some perplexing brand partnerships. An extremely dramatic Proactiv campaign. More recently, she has been promoting Moon, an oral care line determined to make brushing your teeth chic.

Would you purchase the Kendall Jenner Whitening Pen?

Kendall Jenner will help you be nondescript in every way possible! And that’s why the ideal product for Kendall Jenner to shill is deodorant. And she may be laying the groundwork for that now and finally making her own product beyond an oral care collab.

Here’s a report from WWD:

The model is following in her famous sisters’ footsteps and venturing into the beauty world. According to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, Jenner filed for a trademark on May 2 for “Kendall” and “Kendall Jenner.”

Both trademarks are filed for beauty products across skin, hair, makeup and fragrance, including eau de parfum, hair-care preparations, bath and shower gels, body creams, skin cleansers, beauty masks, deodorant, lip gloss, nail polish and nail-care preparations, among others

Kendall…make deodorant! Help me be forgotten! I want whatever goes on my armpits to be the chemical equivalent of faking my own death like Olivia Newton John’s boyfriend. I want a smell that makes no impression whatsoever. And there’s no one I trust more than you.

Yours in acne,

Tricia

P.S. did you like getting two Trissues this week? I decided to send out two free ones since everything is bad and I need validation! If you would like to receive two Trissues every week, upgrade your subscription for $5 a month! Trying to save up for some Kendall Jenner dental floss here