I will need an update on Amy and Laurie and also Jo and that German dude

Although summer is the true celeb breakup season, sometimes stars...they're just like us! They break up with each other before the holidays! Or get engaged! Whatever! I don't know how you can possibly be your best self in the New Year without intimate knowledge of strangers lives, so here's a cheat sheet. 

I started out trying to make every couple link to the next couple but then I didn't care who Bella Hadid is rumored to be canoodling so I stopped. 

Omg omg omg omg Carrie Brownstein Instagrammed a picture of Annie Clark!

We know that these two beautiful perfect exes have been friendly again for a while since Carrie wrote the treatment for 

Paris Jackson and Cara Delevigne are apparently a thing.
What could go wrong?

Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn
In case you need periodic reminders that big blonde boy Joe Alwyn continues to carry on. Joe and Tay were in the same city as each other for New Years Day! Did they kiss? Did they clean up bottles? Tree Paine will let us know when she sees fit. 

Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff

Lamby's parents broke up, y'all. It's been fairly obvious for a while now to anyone (like me) whose only talent is constantly absorbing information about people I don't even know or follow on social media. 

I've been waiting for the breakup news since this unfortunate story:

FIRST OFF What Cardi has belongs to Cardi and no one else. 
SECOND OFF if you think your boyfriend is planning a proposal but he's actually talking shit about you to his sister...maybe hold off on tweeting about it? 
THIRD OFF What Cardi has belongs to Cardi and no one else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And FYI, when I saw Cardi's outdoor set in December, she wore a beret and a Fashion Nova coat with nothing under it and gave the crowd a crucial update: "A ho gets cold nowadays." So, permission to react to the temperature by layering, y'all! 

Gossip Mom Lainey has the crucial analysis and a handy timeline, as always. Seems that the couple's joint custody of Taylor Swift taught them plenty about about saving big relationship news for the moment you most desperately need fresh Google results for your name. They broke up in December, but the news hit conveniently after Tessa Thompson pointed out that Lena's contributions to #TimesUp have been surface-level -- not quite surprising considering that last time we heard a squeak from Dunham, she was throwing a black woman under the bus to protect the white man who allegedly raped her. Because how could a writer on Girls be anything but a ray of light?

A novelty cupcake without a home. 

I sort of get why Lena Dunham has been able to get away with so much up until now, apart, of course from being a white woman with well-connected parents. Despite one of the only living female 28-year-old white female pop culture journalists who has never written a Girls thinkpiece, I have interviewed her a weirdly high number of times and once became the unwitting guardian alongside It Girl Yohana Desta of an oversized birthday cupcake from living icon Eva Chen that Lena promptly abandoned. My point is, she can be very personable and warm when you're not a novelty cupcake. It's rare for a beleaguered red carpet reporter to feel like a celebrity is actually listening to your question and giving an answer that doesn't feel canned. Should Lena Dunham have everything that comes out of her mouth vetted before she puts it into the world? Clearly. But like many other dangerous people, she knows how to make you feel important, and that can go a long way. This is not an endorsement, just the small amount of insight I'm able to provide regarding a person who regularly baffles me. 

Jack Antonoff does not strike me as a catch, either. 

Rachel Antonoff and Max Winkler
On the subject of Antonoffs! Jack's sister, the fashion designer Rachel Antonoff, who I once had an extensive conversation about Lamby with while I was covering a Puppy Prom she hosted, has been dating Henry Winkler's son Max for a few years now. I think it's cute. He looks like the exact blend of The Fonz and Richie Cunningham. 

He's a writer/director who's responsible for Ceremony and a bunch of TV episodes, the only of which this newsletter cares about is Crazy-Ex Girlfriend's "Josh is Irrelevant." He used to date Sasha Spielberg, daughter of an uncredited executive producer of Shrek, because of course he did. 

Rachel used to date Nate Ruess, Jack's fun. bandmate. Around the time of their breakup, fun. went on an indefinite hiatus, which means that this might just be the (minor) celebrity breakup that has benefitted the world at large most. Last year, he had a son with Samantha Ronson, fashion designer/sister to Lindsay Lohan's ex and the man behind "Uptown Funk", so dude has a type! 

Here's a pic from Puppy Prom of a very good couple:

Goop

Now, there are rumors that the pair have been engaged for over a year. Whatever the case, I'm glad Gwynnie held out until she figured out the proper way to monetize it. I am very much looking forward to the blog posts on her pre-wedding health and beauty regime. 

His name is Brad something, a producer and Ryan Murphy collaborator, so my only wish is that Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor show up at the wedding. 

Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson
A thing! Wow, as always, I am so happy for Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson individually, but especially together. Can't wait for the Dakota Johnson album and whatever stupid jackets accompany it.  

Yolanda Hadid is in love
How do I know this? Yolanda revealed to UsWeekly, "I'm really excited to be back in love."  We don't know who he is, but I sure hope he likes sulking in the corner at family gatherings with Zayn! David Foster and Katherine McPhee do not get their own subheading. 

Kirsten Dunst and Jesse Plemons 
I like this coupling, which works out well because they seem to like it too. Word on the street is Kirsten's carrying their first child and the wedding is set for Austin, where Landry went to high school. Looking forward to the Rodarte gown. 

"Darren Criss looks smitten with his girlfriend of SEVEN years" - The Daily Mail
Great!

Huma Abedin and Anthony Weiner 
They've called off their divorce! Again! But this time, he's a registered sex offender. I'm so exhausted. I reread an essay about turtlenecks to calm me down, and it helped a little. 

I am not quite cruel enough to leave you with that though, so instead, the best couple of 2018. Sorry, the competition's over. 

Laura Dern and Baron Davis
Wow, I feel better. 

Kris, play me out.