haunted real estate update
Chris Meloni gives up the ghost, Hailey Bieber wears pants, and komedy
hi hi hi!
Specter Victims Unit
Readers, with the utmost shame, I must confess that I didn’t know Chris Meloni occupied a haunted house for years.
I’m extremely jealous of anyone who lives in ghostly quarters (I picked my college dorm because I was promised the ghost of Eugene O’Neill, and maybe he haunted me because something in the residency made me break out in hives.)
The house previously belonged to Ozzie and Harriet Nelson of The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet fame. Ozzie was a total dick, but a babe, so I get it, Harriet.
They seem like p chill ghosts, though!
The guy who directed Red Notice bought the house, and that’s nice because I will never remember a single detail about his very popular movie so I have a frame of reference for him now.
Scary Styles
Dedicated readers may know that there are few things that bring me more joy than InStyle Look of the Day posts. A lot of it is whatever Katie Holmes is doing, and I like that. I like knowing she’s alive out there somewhere not letting a little snow stop her from wearing a summer shoe with her go-to spring dress brand.
I just read the headlines. It’s better that way. I can let my mind run wild. There is nothing to fear but controversial pants celebs manage to look good in somehow.
I cherish every second of not knowing what any of these outfits look like.
Saturday Night Wive
I guess for now I’m doing weekly recaps of The Kardashians because otherwise I’ll forget to send out this newsletter.
This week, Khloe risks her mental health to go on James Corden.
Ohh, oh, I see what you’re thinking. Nonono, apparently interacting with Corden is fine even though she apparently put an eyeball in her mouth last time she was on the show? It’s what the haters have to say online she hates, because haters hate. As a Khloe Hater, it would never occur to me to watch a conversation between her and Bustopher Jones, let alone tweet about it, but okay!
“I want to know if there’s therapy for overthinking,” she states and, um, babe? What do you think therapy is? “I think I need a therapist,” she concedes. No argument there!
Kravis is sooo boring. A lot of it is just Kourtney straddling Travis in the middle of checking out a potential Kravis Palace while the realtor is just there. “Old Hollywood Frank Sinatra vibes,” she states, “which is so us.”
They want a baby together, so Kourtney is undergoing IVF, and I wish them the best of luck. It’s a lot to put yourself through! I hope it works out for them.
But we cannot forget that we are here for stand up comedy!
The gravity they place on Kim hosting SNL is still overblown, but I do think that The Kardashians has potential to become a good show if they do more scenes like what we saw of Kim preparing her SNL monologue (with the help of Amy Schumer, Dave Chapelle, Michelle Wolf, and Kanye West.) It was genuinely interesting!
For one, it’s rare to get a behind the scenes peak at how a celebrity prepares to host the show, and as things are, the modus operandi is that SNL shroud itself in mystery is beneficial. (If anyone has footage of Jake Gyllenhaal workshopping his monologue, please call me.) I think Kim did a good job hosting, and I genuinely enjoyed her monologue. It doesn’t surprise me that it was crafted with the help of A-List comics (Ye included due to water bottle tweet) and it doesn’t make me think less of her performance.
What I did find fascinating was how she determined what from her life was up for grabs and what wasn’t. Schumer advised her to skip the sex tape altogether, but Kim ended up including a (good!) joke about it. I hope the girl from Will & Grace enjoyed.
“I’m Kim Kardashian West and it’s so great to be here tonight. I know. I’m surprised to see me here too. When they asked, I was like, ‘You want me to host? Why? I haven’t had a movie premiere in a really long time.’ I mean actually, I only had that one movie come out and no one told me it was even premiering. It must have slipped my mom’s mind.”
SKIMSbleshanks takes the monologue further than I think most people expected (O.J. Simpson joke? Check.) She remains guarded and appreciative when it comes to Kanye, though, and his sacrifices including the treacherous journey to be there for her, “He took a coach commercial flight, sat in the seat next to the bathroom.” If that’s not billionaire love, what is?
The Kardashians wants you to think it’s an elevated, risky version of their well-oiled machine. Peeling back the curtain to show how the Kardashian Industrial Komplex actually functions could do that, if they dare. I don’t care about the details of your first date with Pete Davidson! I’ve known y’all are dating for months! Let me guess, it was low key and the change of pace feels good. He probably didn’t buy you a whole new wardrobe for you to step out in. Great!
Show me unedited footage of Kylie and her team composing a single Instagram, show me the person who books your private jets, show me Khloe eating anything at all out of her pantry, show me all the footage of North dragging Kim! What I want from The Kardashians is an HGTV-type show. Knowing who they are behind the veneer is useless to me; I want to see how the Frank Lloyd Wrights of modern celebrity build the walls. I’ll take the manufactured drama of people complaining about paint colors on House Hunters and I’ll love it.
neway!
Here’s my continually updated spring22 playlist. Reply with what you’re listening to!
xoxo, TG