Dakota Johnson just invalidated my entire childhood
HI!!!!!!!!
TOOTHTIMETOOTHTIMETOOTHTIME
Sad week for tooth gaps. I took it really personally when Jordyn Woods closed up her tooth gap, obviously. The very same void that had starred in Kylie Cosmetics campaigns!
This was upsetting to some (me) because Jordy had previously stated her intentions to remain true to the gap prior to enlisting the services of a CELEBRITY DENTIST. So Khloe……..saying you didn’t see it coming doesn’t really check out, now does it?
Back in those simpler times, 2018, People wrote, “Jordyn Woods just changed one of her most famous facial features,” which I think is pretty generous.
I have a tooth gap myself, and it’s adorable. Please feel free to tell me so! As a child, I lost my two front teeth prematurely in two separate accidents, and so I knew early on the chaos I was capable of when I watched a zamboni try with minor success to erase my blood from a shopping mall’s ice rink. When my adult front teeth grew in and kept their distance from each other, it was a black hole the universe created with my destiny in mind. You can have your space, cowboys. I ain’t gonna fence you in with orthodonture.
Now it is my sad duty to report that Dakota Johnson’s tooth gap has also gone to meet its maker.
Source: The Daily Mail
“I had a permanent retainer since I was like, 13, and it was just glued to the back of my teeth,” Johnson told Jimmy Fallon. “And I was having a lot of neck problems recently so my orthodontist, she decided it would be a good idea to take it off and see if my jaw sort of expanded.”
Tragic.
Growing up in the aughts, we received mixed messages about tooth gap beauty from America’s Next Top Model. Tyra told Danielle, the eventual winner of Cycle 6, “no one is going to want a Cover Girl with a huge gap in their teeth. That’s all people are going to see.” Dani honorably defended her gap and she and her gap went on to have a decently successful modeling career. BUT THEN on Cycle 15 Tyra had a dentist file down Chelsey’s teeth to widen her baby gap.
I wish the her well in her post-gap life. Maybe she should watch How To Be Single for some pointers? I suspect that Dakota Johnson and her expanded jaw will be just fine. She appears to still be dating Chris Martin after some whispers they split and he moved on to Dua Lipa. Who knows, maybe Conscious Uncoupling has some new rules! Whatever, looks like Dakota’s with Chris and Dua’s with Anwar Hadid unless Gwyneth informs me otherwise.
Oh yes, she (Ha)did!
Source: The Daily Mail
A brief update on all of David Foster’s former stepchildren, since Anwar came up. After some rumors that Bella and Abel Tesafaye aka The Weekend broke up again, maybe they didn’t?
Gigi, meanwhile, has been spending time with Bachelorette runner-up Tyler Cameron. They’re both models who have enjoyed career boosts from reality television. The snag here is that, though he was not given the Final Rose, Tyler was sort of expected to end up with Bachelorette Hannah B. after she found out the winner of her season (who was surgically attached to his acoustic guitar) had a girlfriend all along and went on the show to boost his profile as a singer-songwriter. Ugh. Tyler and Hannah B. have hung out since the show wrapped, but he appears to be prioritizing Gigi over everything in his life:
Source: People
Who among us hasn’t skipped a court appearance in favor of bowling with a Hadid?
If u crave more BACHELOR CONTENT, I wrote about a bit about tourism (or lack thereof) inspired by the show and got an update on Edgar, the cat famed for his cameo in Becca’s season. Please click.
So yeah, IDK how I feel about Tyler and Gigi. Trissues supports Anwar Hadid’s bangs unequivocally. Trissues cannot support anyone dating The Weeknd, because lyrics like this happen:
THE SWIFTCOURSE
As you know, I will never miss an opportunity to remind you I attended the Taylor Swift Reputation Stadium Tour! Did you know the Taylor Swift Reputation Stadium Tour began in Glendale, which is where my life began in 1989…the year of Taylor Swift’s birth? Wow, I was predestined to talk about the Taylor Swift Reputation Stadium Tour for all of my days! On this particular day, I wanted to take a sec to comment on a quote from the angel savior of pop music, Charli XCX, making the rounds and causing a bit of undue controversy.
Charli told Pitchfork, “I’m really grateful that [Taylor] asked me on that tour, but as an artist, it kind of felt like I was getting up on stage and waving to 5-year-olds.”
Look, I was there, and this is an accurate assessment. Charli played first (before Camilla Cabello, who has released one album to Charli’s three). It was bright out when she went on, meaning she could see just how many empty seats were out there. And yes, the atmosphere was very much like a kid’s birthday party! Kids, yes, and adult heterosexual couples in matching snake onesies wandering around. I snuck into an empty spot up front, and there were a few of us rapt, but mostly the vibe in the audience suckedddddd during her 110% bangers set. It really had nothing to do with Charli as an artist, it’s just a brutal time slot. The next night, I caught Charli’s party with Dorian Electra n friends, which was bonkers fun! Everyone screamed every last one of her lyrics and I left with a large grin drenched in sweat and glitter. Charli is killer at creating her own worlds, and maybe one day they’ll match her stadium-sized talent, but I don’t think acknowledging the truth that the rep tour wasn’t it was a diss.
Anyway, I don’t get the vibe that she meant anything bitchy to Taylor or her fans and I hate that Charli felt like she had to apologize for it! Is it complimentary of Taylor or her music in any way? No. But whooooooo cares. If you think she needs defending against Charli XCX, can I direct you to the real URL TAYLORSWIFT.COM/CAPITALONE so you can give them your Social Security Number.
Source: TaylorSwift.com/CAPITALONE lol lol lol
TRISSUES RECCOMENDS
Page Six dunking on the celebs who attended Google’s Climate Change Summit is art.
Source: Page Six
And check out Sasami’s show if you get a chance! I saw her last night and it was just one of those sets where you can tell you’re seeing someone right before they blow tf up. Her next alb is gonna be huge. Plus, she screamed a lot between songs, which was the right thing to do. “Callous” is my fave song of hers.
k bye!
-trashi