Baby I hear the feuds are calling
On Christopher Comstock & Fofty
Hello!
Are you feuding with someone unexpected this week? Celebrities have, temporarily, remembered that bloggers, to quote Lisa Vanderpump, are “not important enough to hate.” So they’re back to coming for each other, and, yikes.
Pete Davidson vs Comedy Club Guy
Ok, this one is not unexpected, but I would never pass up an opportunity to update you on Pete Davidson’s love life. Sadly, the SS Beckinson has Beckinsailed, but I wait with bated breath to see who each of them make out with in public next.
Right, so, comedy. Pete was supposed to perform last night at a place called Vinnie Brand’s Stress factory in Connecticut, which sounds like a lovely establishment. But Pete never took the stage, and instead, Vinnie played Pete’s Instagram story saying Brand, “disrespected me and did something that I told him not to do and I can't perform under those circumstances." Which, apparently, was mentioning Kate and Ariana in a plea for the crowd not to heckle him about them following an incident where a heckler brought up Mac Miller, an extremely dick move.
I don’t know! I don’t really see the issue with bringing up living women, especially considering he puts it out there and that has everything to do with why people buy tickets to a Pete Davidson stand up gig.
Chvrches vs. Chris Brown.
Some more indie-electronica drama. (By the way, your Grimes update is she said, “I need to find a way to not have to do the Beyoncé thing as much.” So please, everyone, stop conflating Grimes and Beyoncé. It’s a very real problem.)
Chvrches called out their previous collaborator Marshmello for working with Chris Brown (and Tyga, who still exists) on a song called “Light It Up” (which I guess did not previously exist?)
Source: @Chvrches/Instagram
Good for them! Addressing him as “Mello” in the statement makes all this feel like a fever dream, but nevertheless, expressing solidarity with victims is the correct move. Marshmello’s real name, for anyone wondering, is Christoper Comstock, a great name. I don’t love the way he’s able to hide behind his persona and shirk responsibility. CHRISTOPHER COMSTOCK.
Source: Stefan Brending/Wikicommons
Did you notice that Kylie Jenner’s ex-boyfriend chimed in?
Source: @Chvrches/Instagram
This is, of course, a version of what everyone who defends Chris Brown says, which is gross and bad. But okay, let’s check in to see how Chris Brown is keeping it positive:
Source: @Chvrches/Instagram
Oh, by wishing them a violent death. But he’s a really good guy, y’all! Lead singer Lauren Mayberry has received an influx of rape and death threats, and fortunately, the band has amped up security.
Christophter Comstock, meanwhile, is tweeting shit like, “I want to see you smile.” I smile when men take responsibility for their actions, Christopher :)
(Sidenote: did you know that Mayberry is dating Justin Long?)
50 Cent vs. Lala Kent and Randall Emmett
This feud is good because there are truly no winners!
50 Cent you know. Lala and Rand you should know if you, like me, consider Vanderpump Rules to be the greatest thing to ever happen to narrative storytelling.
Lala came into the show a few seasons in shrouded in mystery. She got a job as a hostess at Lisa Vanderpump’s SUR (Sexy Unique Restaurant) and was an enemy of the waitstaff, or at least the members of the waitstaff that were pretending to be waiters and bartenders for the sake of a reality show. They got a whiff of a “married boyfriend” and immediately used this information to vilify Lala, because there’s nothing this group loves more (besides Coors Light for some reason???) than calling a woman involved in infidelity a slut while forgiving their boyfriends for constantly cheating.
Eventually, we learned that this “married boyfriend” is Randall Emmett, a producer said to be he basis of Turtle from Entourage. He was in the process of separating from his wife, You actress Ambyr Childers.
And then suddenly, people realized that maybe instead of calling Lala a whore for taking private jets (PJs, in reality television parlance) they could pretend to like her and fly places on private jets. She was willing to humor the abrupt about face because screen time is the most valuable currency in reality television.
Lala as Queen Bee resulted in my favorite Vanderpump Rules trope: miss-using feminist terminology in an attempt to win arguments. Is it wrong for a man (or anyone) to body or slut shame a woman? Yes, absolutely. Is invoking #MeToo the correct response to being called a fat whore? Well, no. Thanks, Katie.
But anyway, eventually, Lala’s man, Randall Emmett, was accepted into the group. He has yet to make an appearance on the show, but we hear plenty about him from Lala. One particular scene, in which she brags about Rand buying her a Range Rover after they had sex for the first time. This, to Lala, is feminism.
To 50 Cent, it was a reminder that he was still waiting for Rand to pay back a million dollar loan. The two both produce Power, a tv show that is apparently very popular. 50 Cent plays a character called Kanan Stark. I double checked, and it does not take place in the Game of Thrones universe.
Anyway, he started shitposting on Intstagram asking Rand to pay him back the million dollar loan by Monday and comparing him to Harvey Weinstein.
Lala fought back with the following baffling message, “She swears she’s a thug from the south side Jamaica queens & she’s up in here watching Bravo,” she commented. “Someone has forgotten where they come from Coming for me on the gram!? I smell fish coming from fifty’s direction.” Lala, let the records show, is a white woman who has repeatedly called Tupac her “spirit animal.”
Fifty, in turn, posted screenshots of texts with Emmet in calls him “fofty.”
Source: @50Cent/Instagram
I’m extremely inspired to accuse a frenemy of faking a medical emergency on Instagram and I hope you all join me!
All seems to be well now. Fofty posted a screenshot of yet another text reading, “OK I just got the wire a–hole. Back to my regular scheduled program.”
And no, no one involved has learned what #MeToo is and I certainly don’t know what this means:
But I always welcome input from Faith, the woman who had sex with another Vanderpump Rules cast member in the same room as a 95 year old woman she was supposed to be caring for.
TRISSUES RECOMMENDS
I went to a Game of Thrones watch party without having watched the past season and a half, which I feel was ok. But before that whole deal, we watched a show that is way more my speed! Insane Pools: Off the Deep End. People build garish, expensive pools. I love it! It’s on Animal Planet for some reason.
Men Explain Fiona Apple to Me. Archive shows mediaeval nun faked her own death to escape convent. This profile of Lisa Hanawalt ahead of Tuca and Bertie’s premiere that features beautiful photos of he horse. Why Taylor So Many of Us Believed Taylor Swift Was Coming Out This is thoughtful, measured look at #Gaylor.
k before I go, I just need you to know that Oprah and Whitney Port both attended Katherine Schwarzenegger’s bridal shower!
Back to my regular scheduled program,
Trasha