Achey Breaky Carter
Hello!
HAPPY HOT GIRL SUMMER TO MS. JORDYN WOODS!
I’m pleased to report that Jordy has upgraded her social circle, which now includes Megan Thee Stallion. May many more headline-grabbing visits to Houston nightclubs be in her future. DM me. I have a neck injury right now, but we could make that fashion?
Which brings us to the Italian coast, where Jordyn’s former BFF Kylie is on some real Marie Antoinette shit celebrating being a 22-year-old billionaire.
I wonder at what point celebrities will begin to consider that the optics of grinning on yachts with billionaires are just not great? I am personally terrified of these people:
What does one discuss on a yacht with Jeff Bezos? Nothing good, KARLIE AND SCOOTER!
Side note…I was looking through Scooter Braun’s Instagram and discovered something bone-chilling. He seems to have a massive mirror in his office that makes it look like you’re on the cover of Time Magazine? Sure, Scooter definitely has big putting “Time’s Person of the Year 2006” as his Twitter bio energy, but this is taking things way too far.
There are dozens of selfies like this!!!!!!!! DOZENS!
K but the big story out of Italy this week was, of course, the separation of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth.
The split was confirmed through a representative shortly after Miley was spotted making out with Brody Jenner’s sort of ex wife, Kaitlynn Carter. Subscribers may recall that the couple split a couple weeks ago, but were never legally married.
The timeline of this is still a bit unclear. Did Kaitlynn leave Brody to go on Italian holiday with Miley? Seems like a good move! A blind item from last Friday, the day before the photos dropped, predicted the coupling but doesn’t pin down the timing other than to suggest that Miley had been with either Kaitlynn or other women somewhat recently.
Did they have an open marriage? Did they try an open marriage only for it to crash and burn spectacularly? As Lili Reinhardt and Cole Sprouse would be happy to point out, we don’t know shit. On Instagram, Miley and Liam are sending out posi vibes, but it’s getting a bit messier in the tabloids with contradicting claims from “sources.”
Liam dumped Miley because he didn’t like her being provocative and licking his face on red carpets! Um, ok. I seriously doubt anyone would marry Miley Cyrus after 10 years if they aren’t ok with having their face licked. People says Miley really wanted to make marriage work, but Liam wouldn’t go to therapy. Maybe? Trissues strongly endorses therapy for all! TMZ says Liam has a drinking problem, which upset Miley because she used to be addicted to weed. Idk, it just seems like things escalated very quickly if this is the case.
For now, Liam appears to still be in Australia surfing with this brother while Miley and Kaitlynn are back in LA. Miley seems to be taking the lyric “next to you in Malibu” literally, renting a home next to the one she shared with Liam, which makes sense because they still have about a dozen dogs, cats, and pigs to coparent.
I definitely think they only acknowledged the separation because the photos were coming out, but had previously arranged at least a trial separation beforehand and Liam was in Australia to give Miley some time to move. Although they’ve been together (and engaged) on and off for a long time, the actual marriage a month after the couple’s home burned down in the Malibu fires.
An Elle profile published in July gives us some insight into how she felt a few months in:
I think it’s very confusing to people that I’m married. But my relationship is unique. And I don’t know that I would ever publicly allow people in there because it’s so complex, and modern, and new that I don’t think we’re in a place where people would get it.
Sure, there are plenty of people who can’t grasp the concept of bisexuality let alone pansexuality and monogamy coexisting, because they are idiots. But I think generally, people liked them together and thought they seemed to complement each other, and I can see why Miley in particular would have issues with that. Miley, even more than most other celebrities, seems to interact with what she thinks people think of her in a very public way. Getting famous as Hannah Montana must be a trip!
I have a couple theories about extramarital events that may have contributed to the current Miley reboot.
Earlier this year, she took on the role of an (appropriately dystopian) Hannah Montana playing the hyper-controlled pop star Ashley O in Black Mirror. Miley has even taken the role off screen, performing as Ashley O at Glatsonbury, suggesting the role has personal resonance. Plus, like all good alter egos, all she has to do is plop on a pink wig to summon it. I imagine it brought back a lot of feelings from the Can’t Be Tamed era, when her mission to let us know she’s coming out of her cage and doing just fine was born.
And there’s no way in hell the “Old Town Road” remix didn’t get to her! All those jokes about her dad being more relevant than her? Of course Miley wanted to shake up her public image.
We have a glimpse into her new direction with the just-released single, “Slide Away,” which I guess is about how Liam is a drunk slug? It seems very conveniently timed to coincide with the narrative Miley’s people were pushing to TMZ. Because nothing in the Mileyverse is subtle, she sings “don’t want the whiskey and pills” and the cover art is some whiskey and pills discarded in a pool.
Idk…I always support getting out of unhealthy relationships, but if your longtime partner actually has substance issues, it seems kinda shitty to publicly drag them like this without waiting a beat. You don’t have to be Ally Maine, who is a figment of Bradley Cooper’s imagination, but this seems a touch callous.
I think Miley and Liam will get back together at some point, if history is any indication. I think their separation will probably be longer than their marriage, which is in fact legally binding in the state of Tennessee!
Who knows how long Miley and Kaitlynn will last. Brody has already moved on to Josie Canseco, daughter of Jose Canseco, and I love that for him. What if Kaitlynn Carter had legally changed her name to Kaitlynn Jenner and then grafted Josie Canseco from Brody? Could be fun to watch The Hills with subtitles!
I expect we will primarily be hearing from Liam though “sources” for he time being. His Instagram feed was mostly all about Miley until this summer, which was mainly silent except for a couple sunset shots. He has pulled out of his scheduled press tour for the movie, Killerman. Maybe we’ll get some moody beach shots.
No one needs to make more than a million dollars a year,
xoxo trasha